have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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