Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Randomize
