Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Randomize
