in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
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