Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
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When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
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No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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