if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
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