i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
