apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
