2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
you didnt know i had herpes?
The beer is more important than you right now.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
