I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Randomize
