The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
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