I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
