I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
You smell like a Billy Joel song
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
