My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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