So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
