I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
