If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
This beer is not sobering me up at all
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
