I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I have fence marks all over my body