This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room