oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?