I wish I could teleport
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
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ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
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Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.