u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
you mean i was at the winter classic?
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
