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I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Randomize
