He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
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I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
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Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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