Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize
