I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
just throwing this out there: period starts tomorrow sooo either sex tonight or not until tues/weds.
i get a bj anyways so it's really your choice.
k i'll be over in 5.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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