Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
