in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
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