You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
