How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
