How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
