He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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