The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
