i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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