I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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