genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
