are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
