Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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