i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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