I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Randomize
