you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Your penis caused this!
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
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