wat bout pragnant strippers??
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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