Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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