Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
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