That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
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