Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
