she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
