I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Randomize
