I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
