he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
