1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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