Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
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