we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
