I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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