Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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