i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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