just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
